Monday, January 4, 2010

A Lonely Heart

"You are back home from a hard day's work. You are tired.  Lie back on a soft bed. Leave the lights on as you are afraid of dark. Keep your eyes open, staring at nowhere (shoonya drushti). Lost in your thoughts, you try to track what your mind is thinking. Its of no use. Your mind keeps on roaming. It doesn't reach anywhere, as it is travelling to a destination that even it is not clear about. Poor mind where will it stop when it doesn't know what is the destination to which it is travelling to.  Before you make a sense of all this, your eyes are too tired, your eyelids are trying hard to stay separate, but cant help moving towards each other. Within a few seconds they touch each other, shutting you off from this world or rather the world from you. Slowly your body starts resting and the mind follows. Your consciousness is lost, your metabolic rate goes down. You go into a state of sleep......"

You wake up from your sleep(or you think so) only to see that the room you are sleeping in is filled with darkness. Pitch black. You are waiting for your eyes to get adjusted to the darkness. But nothing changes even after few moments, which appear to you like eons of time. You close your eyes, you see darkness. You open your eyes, you see pitch black darkness. Lost between two dark worlds, you rub your eyes, hoping for a miracle to happen, which will light up atleast one of your dark worlds. You murmur in your heart "Let there be light". But is there a soul in this world that is listening to you?  Does this dark universe contain atmosphere at all, so that somebody can listen to you? Even if they can listen, is there a source of light at all? If at all there is a source of light, can you withstand its intensity. You start thinking "This is Nonsense. What am I thinking? I should just open my eyes". You rub your eyes and try opening them with a new hope. And once again the darkness is staring at you. (When there is no light at all, does the word stare have a meaning?)

Your body feels a sudden jerk and  you realize that the bed beneath you has just vanished. May be the darkness has just swallowed it. Can darkness swallow the bed? May be thats what Stephen Hawking called as Black holes(a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape.Need I say about bed). You are already lost between two dark worlds, unable to decide what is real and what is dream, and now in addition to that you loose the sense of direction. A feeling takes over you that you are about to fall on the ground. You wait to reach the ground so that at least you regain your sense of direction. But that never seem to happen. Now slowly you are loosing the sense of time also. You cant imagine when was the last time you felt normal. You cant understand when you got into this current state. You keep on falling and it never stops. An abysmal fall if you can call it so. You don't even know whether you can call it falling. Something falls towards the center of an object due to gravity, but what is the object that is attracting you? What is the force that is pulling you? Suddenly the winds start ripping you apart, adding to your confusions. Are these winds only ripping apart your body, or are they trying to rip apart your thoughts also..? You feel that the force that is pulling you downward and the winds that are ripping you apart are engaged in a war, to see who gets to own you. The expression 'Between the Devil and Deep Sea' seems to be  trivial to you. You would not have regretted choosing either of those  options when compared to the state you are in now.

You have lost the sense of vision, space, direction and time. If there is anything left that is the sense of existence and that is not a pleasant one."

Put together all these feelings in a small portion of your left ventricle in the heart , add a pinch of a sadness and a spoon of pain to it. That was loneliness for me. You have everything but you want nothing.  You have everybody but still you are looking for somebody. You crave for something that you don't know and you cant find it. The search just goes on and feeling just stays within you. Not everybody can sense it and not many can feel it. But there comes a person who just does the miracle and pulls you out of that loneliness. They don't even know about the miracle that they have created but becomes very special to you.

Today I am no more lonely..........

1 comment:

Ranjith K A said...

A good and easy read, something almost everyone can relate to and the dramatic climax actually hints the hope one should look forward to in such a situation :)